an electron, in this polyverse
feeling the sudden leap of faith
of the subconscious, subatomic level
Hoping i'm going towards light and life
-even in the explosion-
for the continuity of creation
Primero día de curso con Natalia y Piero, lovely (I never use the word lightly) teachers from Bont's Internationl Clown school, which my dear friend Jesse had told me so passionately about. ''You, of all people, have to go to Ibiza and study there.''
I can't quite afford to do the two months program yet (anyone wants to sponsor me?) but when I learned about a weekend workshop taking place in Granada, I knew I had to come; so that's basically why I came to Andalusia in the first place.
One day of workshop: I'm in the alembic already. That might be something to expect when the title of a course is: 'El Clown Vulnerable'.
Hay muchas cosas que estoy empezando a comprender (a "re-corder": olha la etymologia!), sobre yo mismo... poco a poco... Por ejemplo, que yo también tengo fracasos... montones the fracasos! Es solo que se passan mucho cuando estoy "peda"!
Entonces.
Tapas with ocho castillan-speaking clowns, from Ibiza and Formentera to Valencia, and into Italy. And in Granada, "tapas" means something particular and wonderful... it's means that you order a beer or a glass of wine for two euros, and it comes with a free small plate of warm food! So happy hour equals dinner! I had read that having tapas with a group of friends was the essential Granada experience, and I had wondered if I'd get to have it... well.. Gracias a la vida :)
And I didn't want to, but I did have expectations about the workshop. I don't exactly know what they were, but as always, I can just know - below the words - that they are there indeed. Everything seems to be expectations; I tell you, it's been in my face - or rather, in my brains and bones - all throughout this journey.
For I've gone to places I know almost nothing about, only those ideas that I know to be generalizations, clichés. I like to think I am fully open and receptive to whatever may come, but the emotions that come up are the evidence that I did have expectations! Ok, perhaps they were desires, more precisely. But how confounded are the two!? Expectations, projections, illusions... desires and attractions ... or simply, the arch-aic energetics of our... interconnection.
Anyways. With this one, I hoped for something profound.
And I can't say yet. I still don't understand what's going on actually. I haven't had the big epiphany/confirmation sobre que voy hacer con mi vida y todo, pero no hace nada porque cuando estoy en el mundo del clown.. everything just makes so much sense! It makes sense
because in clownworld
the form is the content.
as in lila,
as in "life is but a stage..."
thus the clown is content.
It's a destination and it is a goal to keep your third eye on.
Someone told me, "Granada is going to show herself to you."
Well I can see myself a bit, that's already a lot. At best, that's what a place can do. And a place is a people, and that's extremely - yet also partly - true.
And perhaps this alchemical weekend (it's a full moon tomorrow) is also happening because the future is getting nearer and nearer. My psyche is really just doing its thing, as usual.
I think of Québec. Trying to handle expectations. (mine)
I'm filling my tank with sunlight and bits of wisdom.
Besides, It's actually super cold here at night. I'm freezing and I've been freezing more than once in the past three months. So why do I continually reinforce the notion of Québec as a cold... horribly long and cold, and miserable environment?
It can't be just that.
It's so much more.
And I'm experiencing a good amount of fear but I'm also very excited.
Estoy buscando la palabra para decir eso.. excited.
Estoy buscando la palabra.
And who knows if I'll come back, to work the earth and/or study full-time on Ibiza? I could do it. After all, someone tonight said that underneath layers of socialization and conditioning, we can do everything we want. (I debated against, like a good saturnian.)
Well maybe... I could do it... later. You know, after a whle in this whole ''Québec probation'' (sounds awful, but literally, it's kind of what this is going to be!)
According to the free dictionary:
Probation: 1. A process or period in which a person's fitness, as for work or membership in a social group is tested.
You know, after the ecovillage and the drama therapy and the cafe-bistro and all? You know?
There is no way I could plan ahead. It's a old map offering a myriad of directions. Of course I could stick to the wide boulevards, to the market streets. They do have a function. But I am drawn to the old parts of town. Those made like mazes, with small sinuous calles. Those where it's often easy to get lost. Those with the soul, because they signify our histories. Epicenters only, nevertheless...
Reverberations everywhere. Plus we're all epicenters.
In the end.
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