Ritual, per-form-ance

I am writing from a different kitchen table today.  I left the room I had been renting for the past month, in Prenzlauerberg, where I was perhaps starting to get a bit too comfortable.  I am now staying at the outskirt of Berlin, in a flat with - once again- seven roommates.  I cannot get over how wonderful the Couch Surfing community can be.  I got here last night, and already I have had the most interesting conversations with my hosts.  But more about this later.





What is more urgent for me is this dance project I have joined.  I got an email from my ex-flatmate Jakob (the Butoh dancer) last week, calling for women dancers and performers.  I sent a CV and two photos of myself, and showed up for an "audition" at Tachales, on Thursday evening.
First, a few words about the famous Tachales.  Well in fact, let us ask the almighty (I am not saying this without a tone of irony, let me assure you)... wikipedia:

The Kunsthaus Tacheles (Art House Tacheles), is an art center in Berlin, a large (9000 square meter) building onOranienburger Straße in the district known as Mitte. Huge, colorful graffiti-style murals are painted on the exterior walls, and modern art sculptures are featured inside. The building houses an artists collective which is threatened with eviction.

Originally called "Friedrichsstadtpassagen", it was built as a department store in the Jewish quarter (Scheunenviertel) of Berlin, next to the synagogue.^[2] After serving as a Nazi prison for a short while, it was later partially demolished. After the Berlin Wall had come down, it was taken over by artists, who called it Tacheles, Yiddish for "straight talking."^[2] The building contained ateliers and workshops, a nightclub, and a cinema.

This is, to me, the most astonishing and fascinating thing about Berlin: there have been so many turns - within the last century only - in the constitution of the urban environment.  All over the city giant buildings have served a rotating bases for Jewish people, for Communists, for Nazis, and today, for Anarchists.  The evidence is everywhere.  Systems change.

Tachales is filled with graffiti.  It is also a bit filthy.  There are metal sculptures planted all over the back yard and inside the main part of the building, artists turn recycled materials into pieces of art while leaving the doors open for the general public - herds of tourists - to come observe the phenomenon.
There is something profoundly inspiring in this: Reclaiming (and opening up) spaces.


The audition was more like a deliciously-crafted workshop.  Our director, Paulina, is a choreographer and an "author of socio-cultural animation programs".  She is from Poland.  On the first day she introduced us to her friend and assistant, Mikki, who would be in the "more witchy"  aspect of the work...
Delight.
Soon we began to dance, twenty-or-so women coming from the seven corners of Europe.  I knew two of them; Iaro, a French Butoh Dancer who is staying now with Jakob and with whom I've had the pleasure to share in one delicious pasta dinner and precious conversations on the subjects of Butoh, life, and relationships.  The other woman I had encountered on the floor of Ecstatic Dance.  And that had been a silent communion, so I hadn't caught her name.  We both recognized each other with a big smile.
I wondered how many of these girls were "professional" dancers.  How many of them are in their early twenties.  How many of them have injuries.  What are their dreams?  What are their fears?

A sculpture in the yard, which
is a true museum.

After warming up we were split in different groups, according to... the look of our hair!  "We are going to work with some cliches" had explained Paula.
"Short hair" she said, and pointed to three of us to form a subgroup.  "Tall, long hair," was another group, along with "Blond hair", and "Dark hair." Funny how I have been so mindful of my hair recently.  Funny how I was placed in the "short hair" clan, but didn't quite feel it.
Anyway.  We each created a short choreography and were then asked to present it on stage.  Soon, we were also improvising solo bits, and groups intermingled to create, already then, a powerful series of moments and performance.
At the end of the session, Mikki gathered us around a circle of Tarot cards she had spread on the floor.  We stood shoulder to shoulder and closed our eyes.  We listened to the breath we shared, and the heart beating in each one of our chest.  We vocalized together in this sacred space, re-discovering how perfectly connected we fundamentally are.
Amen.


Then we each picked a card.  I thought about the many questions mine could potentially pertain to.  I couldn't quite structure a concrete sentence, but I thought I heard my heart say that it had to do with "art... and especially physical theater."  More specifically perhaps, It was about my future in relationship to those things.  For I cannot help it: what I worry about is the future.

Cold, industrial, bare dance-theater. 

I picked the Goddess Sige: "Take some quiet time alone to rest, meditate, and contemplate."
What?
I didn't want that answer.  I couldn't quite hear it.  I felt angry, et désemparée.  What is this supposed to mean?  I thought of my foot, because it is true that it still hurts me a lot.  It is true that perhaps I should not be dancing so much.  I should get some acupuncture, I should, I should, I should.
But I want to dance!  I thought I had finally found a way to express my most essential self.  I thought I had the perfect formula; being, after all, a former athlete with the soul of an artist.  Being after all, spirit in matter, having so much electricity to channel into form, through my body.
"Take some quiet time alone to rest."  Rest?  Why now?  How?  I swear I want to listen to the universe, but I just don't understand this one.  So I got home that night - on Thursday - and did a bit more research.  This is what I read on a blog I found:


 Shhh, dearest one. Quiet your mind. Breathe and let go of words, worry, and plans. Go into that space of silence deep within you, that vortex of peace where the world doesn't enter. Now is the time to retreat in silence and spend time alone. I'll lovingly help you rejuvenate and recenter yourself. Don't try to make any decisions now. Just allow your mind to be at rest. You'll know soon enough when it's time to take action. But for now, quiet your mind. Rest."


Well I do like that.  In fact, it sounds a lot like what I've already been doing on some level.  I have been observing myself wanting to make plans.  But I have also sat with it...


My foot hurts, but I truly madly deeply do want to be part of this project.  Twenty plus dancing witches creating a performance at Tachales over the span of four intense days?  No "workshop fees"?  Are you kidding me?!


I have come up with a "working hypothesis", as I meditate on the message of this card I picked.  (Perhaps this is mere "rationalization", or some form of cognitive dissonance; but it's the best I can handle right now.)  I like to believe that Sige is simply enjoining me to honor the part of me, which is Butoh.  She is offering me an opportunity to slow down while I do what I love.  There is no need to push my physical body beyond her current limitations.  There is no need to try and prove that I can dance.  I am a woman in a woman's body, my soul ready to overflow with love, wisdom and power.  This is Berlin, and it is Samhain season.  The Mayan calendar has ended for some, magic is upon and within us.  We are practicing the art of manifestation.  I am on a path to learn how to hold my energy, rather than mindlessly releasing and dispersing it.  I am on a path to become more conscious of my impulses and desires, and to be gentle with myself, and concentrate.
Con-centrate: "to centrate with".
:)

On a building near Tachales,
Oranienburger Tor