I don't have a job right now. I work, but I'm not remunerated for it. I work as a physical actor; I am constantly thinking about my craft, and when I'm not in the studio, I visualize the movements, the mindset, the connection with an audience which is only going to be there on the very night of the show. I train my body, and I train my mind, to get to a place of sharp and open observation and concentration. I train my heart, to grow in compassion and heal from the Fall and the illusion that we are irremediably separate. I strive to connect, and love. I am a tantric clown.
Tantra: from the two root words tanoti "stretch, extend, expand", and trayati "liberation". [...] it is a radically positive, world-embracing vision of the whole of reality as an expression of a joyous Divine Consciousness.
But Tantra means being in the world... so as much as I'd like to think I'm doing the work, I'm actually sitting in front of my computer right now, merely writing about it. What's the right amount of pressure to place on one's self? How to let the work emerge (from a place of grace), rather than pushing it ("you should")? This is a dilemma I've been pondering for a good amount of time now.
The thought of doing ShameNoShame! as a street show is very scary. As I understand it, Berliners (and all the tourists that come through Berlin) are supposedly very hard to shock/disturb. Apparently, it wouldn't be a problem to wear my purple fishnets, my tutu, and pink heels on the street for this show. But what if I can't gather a crowd? What if I just end up standing there, in that ridiculous outfit, forever and ever and ever... looking like a fool?
Or isn't that what my job actually is?
Confronting failure and ridicule, for the sake of ... the quantum leap. For the sake of transformation, of creating an opening, of perhaps, in one instance, connecting with other human beings on subjects generally relegated to the taboo...
We'll see. Insha' Allah...
Oh and it reminds me: "ShanaTova!" (I'm in Germany.)
The verbal dance of a Polypassionate. Being & Becoming... Expressing Impressions... Manifesting... worlds of imagination.
About this clown
- Ève
- I often feel that we're all spinning slowly... like a mirror ball. Yes, we are all mirrors to each other. And so, it is the Light between us that I hope to help reveal and celebrate. /// J'ai souvent l'impression que nous sommes une boule disco qui tourne lentement. Nous sommes tous des miroirs pour les uns les autres. C'est donc la lumière qu'il y a entre nous que j'espère contribuer à souligner et à célébrer.
Eveita!!!! Such power, strength, and beauty in those words. Your questions, interpretations and philosophies are aligning with your experience and your existential queries.
ReplyDeleteYou are "working" in the true sense of the word. Strive not to get caught up in the capitalistic construction of the word "work." Why must we receive "something" tangible for our creativeness?
And let me ask you, what does it matter if you stand on the streets of Berlin in that outfit? For whose benefit are you attempting to serve? And for what purpose?
You pull it all together so beautifully in the ending of that post. After all, you are in f*cking Germany! Marinate on that for a moment or three!
I miss you dearly, my beloved sister!
Much love,
Neil
Good questions Neil love...
ReplyDeleteI miss you too!!!