O day..

Tuesday morning.  The end of May.  It is sunny and raining simultaneously in San Francisco.  The usual morning ritual.  Upon waking up, I roll over to my stomach and reach for the notebook I keep right next to my bed.  I gotta write three "morning pages", as part of my "creative recovery program", which I picked up from a famous book called "The Artist's Way".  Every morning for the past two weeks, I have taken time to scribble down whatever thoughts come through my sleepy mind.  I write three pages like that.  It's paradoxical, because it is supposed to free my subconscious mind (Does the book say that, or am I making it up?) but I feel like going directly into verbalization might produce the opposite effect.  Words make me think!
Then I get up and go brush my teeth before heading to the kitchen for a delicious breakfast of granola with almond milk and a banana.  It's so good, I go for seconds.
I have nothing going on today.  Almost absolutely nothing.  I have an appointment at the community acupuncture center at eleven, and that's it.  I have no plans.
I have been practicing the challenging art of non-doing.  Well, I have been trying...
No more "should do this", for I have noticed that I tend to operate that way.  Indeed, many of us do.  The superego is a pervasive and pernicious force in the psyche.  It is pernicious because it has obstructed me from myself, from my life force, from my creativity and my joie de vivre.  Because "I should" always do more, and do it better too.  I should always be working towards the betterment of the Earth Experience.  I should always be fighting against the forces that blind and divide us.  I should, always, be on my way...
Or should I?
I thought the Way was One.  I thought the Way was already perfect and timeless.  I thought the forces of both destruction and creation were constantly at play in this great evolutionary dance.  So who cares if I spent a day of doing nothing?  If I spent a day of not having the pressure to be great at something, of not working towards some heroic goal?
And besides, I would like to see what arises when I stop trying to figure it out.  Perhaps the answer (or at least part of it) to the big question "what do I wanna do?" is really already there inside... that it can sprout out if I give it time, and listen.
Yet how uncomfortable sometimes, when the sun walks its trajectory above our heads while I remain useless and alone!  How challenging to hear the voices in my head, those mildly obsessive tendencies and thoughts, compulsive behaviors always lurking around.  I want to eat, I want to get high, I want to text a friend, I want to "should".  'Cause each one of these behaviors brings meaning to my existence, right?  Eating fills the void, getting high expands my consciousness, texting a friend or attending to Facebook gives me the impression of friendship or of belonging to something.  Well, it doesn't really.  It's just trying to cope with my existential predicament: I am alone and I am One, and then what?
Am I supposed to just be in love with existence because I know that I am Consciousness and Consciousness is Everything?  Am I supposed to feel better because I am Everything in each Instant?

I wonder.  Perhaps my anxiety stems from the fact that I am the World, (And so are you, in case you didn't know) and that the World is in pain.  So it would not be alienation that causes my illness, but rather the opposite: it is the pain of the Earth, of which I am.
Who knows?  I'd like to call for a town meeting and ask: who knows?