Theater and Development

My right arm is wrapped up, but I use it as if I wasn't worried about future chronic tendonitis.  I can now brush my teeth without pain.  Dealing with my bra is a bit more challenging.
I can't help but wonder what it all means, as saturn goes forth with its orbit again.  I haven't juggled in two weeks.  I can't ride my bike.  I can dance, but how I want to go upside down on my hands!  I wonder how long I can hold the resolve of taking a rest.
This week I have worked on crafting my letter of intent for the Theater and Development program, at Concordia.  I just discovered the program!
"Collective collaborative and multidisciplinary approaches including street theatre, environmental staging, popular, participatory, and celebratory theatre are studied within the contexts of community building and development, cultural democracy, and historical and contemporary relationships between art and activism."
Art and Activism?  Ritual and Politics?  Sounds like my cup of chai latte!
Well, they don't mention ritual anywhere, but that's what theater should be as far as I'm concerned.  And I'm not quite sure of my talent as an actor or even as a clown, but I do see myself as a leader and a good metteur en scene.
Clowning is a state of mind.  I understand it.  I intuit it.  But it is so hard to integrate and embody!  I keep facing this harsh truth about myself: that I am working with so much judgment of my contemporaries, so that it is quite a challenge to actually come off as Fool of Love.  I mean, the title is the goal and the path.  I'm not quite there yet.  I know that my judgement is but a projection of my own inner critique.  I can hear the voice so loud in my head!
I want to reconcile myself with the world.  Oh how I want to reconcile myself with the world.  I want to trust the world, I want to trust the public, the other, and myself in the dynamic which is always operating.  I want to be a medium for the Divine.  I wish to hold it in my heart and mind at all times, that is, I want to trust that I am - that we all are - held by the Divine.  Perhaps then I'd be better able to relax and simply feel how I am Fool of Love.
Even basic play is a challenge.  You tell me "please go ahead and play with anything in this room.." and I am bound to look at you "you mean.. I can play with this?  Is this okay?  Like this?"  as if I needed directions and consent before letting my imagination take the reigns.  In fact, sometimes I fear that I don't have that kind of imagination.  I do believe everyone is Creative.  But when it comes to my own creative power I freeze, and I wonder.  As I explore this issue I discover that one thing I am afraid of is a certain emotion that tends to arise.  Aggressivity comes up a lot, and I don't even understand why!  I just have this fire inside, this rage, this drive to scream and throw things around.  I wonder if this energy even belongs to me.  I don't understand why my inner child would feel so angry...
Maybe she doesn't want to behave for once.  Maybe she doesn't want to be smart and social.  Maybe she just wants to be free.
So in this clown quest I've been visiting threatening territories.  These are feelings I am slightly embarassed with.  But I guess I need to dialogue with those parts of myself if I am to come out on the other side: Fool of Love.

I don't know if Concordia still accepts applications at such a late date.  Writing the letter has helped me envision some of the work I could do.  I've notice how alive I feel when I imagine myself studying the technical aspects of theater, such as playwriting, directing, design, etc.  There's a voice in my head saying it's a bit too late to take this up.  But my heart wants it.  I am a thinker, and theater is a serious matter.  Performance can be ritual. Performance can be healing.  Performance can lead towards better tomorrows.  That's what shamans did.