The Perpetual Birth of Tragicomedies.

I have been reading a delectable book: The Nietzsche Legacy in Germany 1890-1990 (by Steven E.Ascheim).  My new friend, Lynn, lent it to me after we had a conversation outside of a Dubstep club about two weeks ago.  Yes, I went out dancing and ended up discussing Nietzsche outside of the bar.  In fact, there was a direct connection with the place-event we were in, because we actually talked about the body, Nietzsche, and the Buddha, if I remember correctly.
Yeah that's a lot of what's been on my mind lately.  Motion. Lots of Motion.

I did this Butoh workshop a couple of days ago.  It was offered by Deborah Butler (Kitsuno Butoh) and was entitled "OUTside INside Butoh", which meant that we were going to spend the afternoon on a sweet sunny clearing on the UCBerkeley campus!  So there we were, four women with a desire to embody this chosen natural environment through the cryptic form of butoh.  We walked to a patch of grass, put down our belongings, and gathered in a circle to introduce ourselves and start warming up.  Soon we were moving like kites in the breeze, letting our bodies explore the myriads of directions and leading edges it would go, if only placed at the reigns of consciousness for a while.
Yesterday I has a conversation with Jérôme, who has lived in SF before but now has returned to Paris.  He mentioned something very important to me; that the French are very much in their head because they are so crowded in their proud city that they have lost contact with their body.  Here in California, we are trying to re-member.  Here in the Bay Area, we are talking about somatics therapy, emotional freedom technique, and embodied spirituality.  Here we meet young adults at Dusbstep parties and we end up discussing Antonin Artaud and ritual Theater, around a bond fire on a solstice night.  But I'm disgressing.

The body and the mind.  Dionysus and Apollo.  Flux and Order.  I wonder, because I myself experience such a tension between my desires for chaos and for... stability/preservation?  It's health I think a lot about.  First of all, what is health anyway?  Well, in truth what I really wonder is why I battle with so many little vices?
I am eating healthier than ever: probiotics and superfoods, fresh organic salads and whole grains.  Non-industrial meat.  It feels good in my body.  But then I also crave chocolate, and coffee, and cigarettes.  I smoke splifs and I get the munchies.  I treat myself to ice cream.  The thing is, all these "bad habits" are associated with small pleasures.  And I wonder.  Because I'd like to be completely "clean".  I do believe it'd make me more "in touch", closer to having clear senses, and thereby more intuitive and wise.  Would it make me more sensitive?  Certainly.  Unpolluted, un-intoxicated, I would get to experience the real reality of the world around me...
Perhaps that's why I'm resisting.  Some of these energies are just so painful to witness and be a part of.
Or perhaps my struggle also reflects another phenomenon... having to do with the dance of Dionysus and Apollo!  For here we have the ancient god "of ritual madness and ecstasy" versus a fatherly, orderly, structure preserving, Apollo.  It makes sense to me; on one hand I want to be a productive member of a sustainable society (be part of a clean, ethical, perfect creation-experience).  On another hand (Shiva has many hands!), I want to merge with, and party with, the collective unconscious.  I look around me everyday and I see we all perform these dual aspects.
(I should say here that I don't consider myself to have a profound or precise conception of what those Greek archetypes actually represent.  But I have had them in my baggage since I first read The Birth of Tragedy and fell in love with Nietzsche.  So it's through my humble Nietzschean inclinations that I have appopriated these concepts and made them work for me.  Then I discovered astrology, and in that pantheon Pluto and Saturn.)
I want to be nomadic, spontaneous, expansive and loving; I want to follow the Tao and be of service to that which is greater than me.
I want to send my roots down into the Earth, and build something, a community, a movement, a cafe-bistrot.
I want to be a channel of God's will through me.  I want to honor my visions and the clarity I have about the Way and the way of men.
I want to be a leader, but I want to teach humility.

As I reflect on the few major conundrums I've been grappling with lately, there seems to be a subtle yet solid thread.  It has to do with centers in motion.  And it's holographic.

So, I'm reading a delectable book.  What perfect timing?  Two months from now I might very well be in Berlin.  Finally, all these years of German classes would find their purpose.  It would be my pilgrimage to the land of Kant, Hegel, Schopenhauer, Marx, Nietzsche, Heidegger, Wittgenstein... Goethe!  So many great minds arose out of this surrounded land.. So what's there now?  And what is there for a lady clown like me?
I could make theater that's radical.  I could rub my mind against that of the many European people I would run into and juggle with.  I could get a new perspective on matters I might be blind to, having lived in the United States for the past ten years!
Or I could go [back] to my homeland and start making ripples there.  I could go make peace with my projections and find my place in the matrix.
To be free, spontaneous and alone, or to root down and [eventually] bear fruits for a community I belong to?  Somehow that's along the lines of what my beliefs seem to be.  Is it possible to integrate all of this?
Return saturn, come back!  Return and help me contribute to the miracle of Life..
(I'm such a ___________) - said the fear-plagued, ego-monitoring, critical voice in my mind.