What do ''they'' want?
I'm realizing how much of a teenager I have been. Not wanting to integrate society, feeling confused and angry at the ways things are done; ; calling it superficiality, hypocrisy... unsustainability.
But those feelings are gently shifting today. There's been a revolution happening in me since I learned about shadow projection.
Besides,
Collective consciousness is a historicyclical phenomenon. Those who are able try their best, the others are not responsible for their failures. (Here we get to the problem of evil again, but I'll choose innocence over fear again today.) I've been observing it in myself for a few years now: superficiality, hypocrisy, there's a drop of everything in every single one of us. Makes me feel compassion (com-passion = feeling with) It's all rooted in fear and not-knowing.
But what about unsustainability?! Doesn't that make for right and wrong? I sometimes think so. And in true anthropocentric fashion I will say that it'd certainly be a sad-sad thing to see the self-conscious species gone. But I Love the Creation regardless. We'll either kill ourselves or we won't. All of this to say, that the challenge of sustainability is perhaps more like a dance between life and death. Hopefully humans can hear the song.
Am I buying into oblivion, buying my peace of mind, giving up the struggle? Who knows?
I feel like growing up a bit, it's true. I think it's time I stand behind my vision.
Adolescence (to come back to my point), after all, is an in-between time. It's true I've pretty much always felt in-between. I couldn't always name it, but that's what it is. I'm not quite schizophrenic but I'm quite queer indeed. I even created that condition outside of myself by falling in love with San Francisco: in the end, I could neither be here nor there.
And that's why I chose to move back to Montréal at this time. I needed to try out this route to my feeling of integrity. On the great wheel of Life I wanted to move towards more grounding and manifestation. My heart is full, I want the world to drink from it. I want to nourish my peers, I want to follow my exegesis of Nietzsche in ''becoming the meaning of the earth". I think it is time to share some of my wisdom. I say this in all humility. By wisdom I mean: a knowing that ''it's all good.''
I've learned that much through thirty thousand dollars of graduate school.
I've been visualizing myself teaching philosophy to teenagers. It'd be a good way to integrate that familiarity for adolescence all the while stepping into my new found sense of self-authority.
Or I could still work my way towards another credential, in Drama Therapy.
I'll always write, I'll always think. I want to help things move. Doesn't matter the title the job has. Give me a chance to organize a great project on civic participation, or invite me to join your co-op grocery store. I'm not that picky.
Each thing in their own time. Other times will mean and necessitate other places. Things they come and things they go..
For now, I clearly see this propensity of mine, that natural state of mind: in-between.
Like a psychopomp of sorts. Working the transition.
Wish I could only get a bit of financial validation. To pay the bills, keep warm, keep the energy flowing. I'm giving of me and I trust.
Thank you for reading. Don't be shy, please comment and engage. What do you think? What do you feel? How is your experience similar or different? This ain't supposed to be a soliloquy.
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