Holding Space for the Unknown

Today is a sweet day.
I woke up on a futon bed, my ex-girlfriend still sleeping in her bed, in the same room.  We celebrated her thirty third birthday yesterday; the evening overflowed with the love and spirit of the many good-hearted people who surround her.  I think I can say that everybody felt especially nourished by such meaningful and authentic conversations, laughs and prayers.  For the time being, we were living the community we all so deeply crave for.
Her boyfriend was there.  Friends I have known throughout the four and a half years of partnership with Phoenix asked me how I felt about her new relationship with him.  I told them that he and I actually get along quite well.  I do feel a certain discomfort in my stomach when I see them being affectionate, but it is nothing in comparison with the love I have for them both.  This is a small revolution.. the kind Phoenix and I always had the potential to create.  Love, unbound and unconditional.
I reiterated my birthday wishes to her, and left the apartment to head back to "the city."  But on my way I had to stop by the coffee shop to get a bite... and a single soy latte.  I sat to eat breakfast and read for about half an hour.  That's the way I like to start the day!
I got back to my apartment and quickly changed into some "work clothes;" picture overalls with a yellow and orange striped button shirt, a short tie with flower patterns on it, and my black and neon pink converse.  Oh, and a red nose.
I took public transportation to Edgewood Center, where I spent the next hour with a group of five kids, teaching them how to juggle rings and explore funny walks.  Every time I go volunteer there I am fascinated with the way these children go in and out of themselves, at times closing down and refusing to participate or show interest, and the next moment smiling with pride as they succeed in trying something new.  I like those moments.
I came back home and hung out in the kitchen, reading more of "The Witch and the Clown; archetypes of human sexuality," which I am enjoying a lot for its insights into the psychological dimensions of these archetypes.  Even though the authors focus on neurotic aspects (i.e. the witch representing the repressed masculine/animus, and the clown, the repressed feminine/anima), I am hoping that my unconscious may wrap itself around some piece of wisdom that I can incorporate in my work.
It's a lot to ponder.  It's especially hard to come across those descriptions of some of my own feelings and innermost thoughts; sometimes in quite a literal way.  It's disturbing to face and acknowledge some of the feelings and beliefs I'm discovering I hold about my mother and my father.  It's so amazing to unveil the workings of the psyche.
I think that I feel a lot.  I feel that I think a lot.  I want to learn to listen to my feelings.  I must have enough ego strength to do that.  I am working towards it.  For only when I have taught myself to feel safe in feeling all that comes through will I be able to share it with the public.  I realize that if part of my ambition is to create space for people to feel everything we feel, I must first find that space within myself.   I don't think that it's a quantifiable thing.  Feelings are not finite, they flow forever.  Thus this process of deepening and holding awareness potentially never ceases.
I am learning and growing a lot.
Amen.