There are a few seemingly different aspects to my identity. It's a challenge trying to integrate it all.
I have been pondering a lot of my needs, values and goals lately. Well, I always do, but this week has brought sudden changes in what had been a set mode of life, at least since last September. This week, we in the Clown Conservatory agreed to.. how to put it... quit the program. It may seem like a radical or even impulsive thing. It's difficult to succinctly explain the reasons behind our decision. Besides, I can only speak for myself.
That's what I did last Monday, when as we were walking to lunch I shared with my peers some of my thoughts about possibly terminating with the program at the end of this semester. I wanted to let them know how I've been feeling, because I knew their responses would affect my feeling. With so few of us in the venture now, any one person leaving the group invariably affects the whole. I was juggling with thoughts of moving on, but didn't want to leave my friends stranded. So I simply told them that, and asked them if they ever felt similarly.
''Well Ev, thanks for bringing this up," they answered. ''I'm kinda feeling the same way too.''
We decided to sit with our conflicting feelings and thoughts for a few more days, or at least until our upcoming show is over, next week. But as we heard teachers talking about future plans it became clear that we needed to let them know our position. I'm not sure how it got to a conclusion so quickly, but last thing we know we were sitting in a meeting telling our director about our decision to drop out after this term.
It was scary. I feared that perhaps I had brought about this whole thing; and that I might regret it now that I had no control over the situation. But I shared this with my peers, and they assured me that I was not responsible. ''Everything was crumbling anyway."
I have never dropped out of anything. I usually stick with it to the end, for I do believe that there's potential for growth in every challenging enterprise. I know there would have been more to learn about myself and about performing through this program, but I've also learned that sometimes saying no is absolutely valid. It's like a romantic partnership; sometimes they comes a time when breaking up is the wisest, healthiest thing to do. There comes a time when one must create her own path.
Today I created my first business card. My trade is hard to define. Will it be hard to trade/sell?
I am learning that what I do, which is who I am, is valuable.
I am learning to take care of myself and my needs. And that involves making money because I need money to pay the professionals to provide good and services I need to sustain health. I wouldn't mind a mixed personal economy; bartering here and there as much as possible. But the fact is, there is freedom in using money.
So I'd like to make some money doing what I love. I'd like to make my way through life while contributing to the betterment of the world. I am searching for a middle path between being held by the system and transforming it at the same time! To me, clowning might be just that.
I set up my slackline over concrete, in front of the Dept. of Motor Vehicle office. Today was a beautiful sunny day; many were out and about, soaking it in. I realized I was doing something meaningful - Hooray - by taking an activity we normally practice in park and bringing it to the forefront... of the urban jungle. Line dancing evokes fascination. It gets people's attention. It creates possibilities for connection, and maybe even sometimes, relationships.
That is part of my trade; I want to bring focus on wonder and balance. I want to inspire and empower. I want to catalyze thought and highlight beauty. I want to share my passion and perspective.
Can I do that?
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