Blooming spring, of destruction and creation.

Today was virtually my last show at Circus Center.  There is was: the last three of us clowns left standing: Jesse, Emanuel, and I, with an hour long marathon: a show in 13 shorts acts. (Myself being in 8 of them with 4 different characters- of which one pair of split personalities living in one body.)  But I have to say, this whole creative/rehearsal process has been quite exerting,  both physically (oh! the human body!*), and emotionally.  I did cry almost every day during the past couple of weeks.
To be performing in front of friends and their friends, performing "in front of strangers", meanwhile revealing of ourselves, if only through buffoonery... Merging two hundred years of clown entrées with our own contemporary comments and idiosyncracies.. what at trip!  What a privilege!

*I think of the human body as our mother, the Earth.  I think of how we regard and live with matter.  Mater.

[Two of] my mentors (James Donlon and Christina Lewis) actually came to see the show.  I am touched.  I can barely believe what is happening.  I do love performing... that's why it's so vulnerable.  Because I do love dancing! and I love singing! and even if I'm "imperfect" at it there is a way to share my passion.  Even if I'm imperfect, there is a way to share my passion.
My mind is made of rushing rivers, of thoughts, running towards a future unknown.  Falls and streams and oceans.. my mind is Water.
My parents have not yet seen me perform.  Reminder.
I am twenty-eight years old.  I hear myself saying those words almost everyday.
But what does it matter?!  What does it mean?  Who has said to me that it should mean something?  That I should have more "certainty" and more "security" at this point?
Well I have to admit, that a part of me (definitely one of my preferred and most used phrases over the past two or three years now.  It revolutionary; you should try if you haven't already) wants those things because aging does bring with it the realization of physical reality, i.e. the phenomenon of what we call health.
I think of health.  I see people everywhere, around me, facing their own health.   It makes me thing of responsibility... that growing up does mean become the sole responsible for your own body.  Or does it? Isn't that why we have "the state", like a mother, a collectivity... (vs the system?) to assure a certain level or care for the many individuals around the globe?
Yeah, I think of "the state"... and of "the nation-state".  They are different.  One has the looks of an apparatus, often dehumanized by the mechanization of its functions and multiple other aspects.  The other denotes history, if not ancestry.  It should denote culture and tradition; and some form of unity in having worked as one in times of hardship.  No need for wars; for real nations are made of humble people who share a same piece of land.. I don't know, I'm just musing.
Different nations have different versions of the idea of nation.
I just don't spend my time thinking about what most people think about. (It's harder to play sarcastic in writing, series of letters tending to be taken literally.) I think about my mind a lot.  I think about the state of the world, about taboos, and imminent struggles, and the need for solutions.  I think, to relate with my emotions.  I think that I'm alone.  Surely nobody else thinks that!

Conversation with a friend today.  Telling him about my brotherization pattern.  Talking about my fear that I might not find a man who can "handle my power".  Well, in fact, what I actually said was that men don't seem to seek "that kind" of [yang] energy in a woman.  But you know what?  In this instant, I think that what I said was bullshit, (or should I not judge myself so harshly and use "paradoxical" and "ironic" instead!) was the opposite of my power; because in that very statement I failed to demonstrate, or affirm, that so-called power.  (Wow! How Nietzsche would be proud of me. )  And for fear of what?
Well, there is of course also the vulnerable side of me.  She still needs to hide a bit.  And that's okay.  I can hold a lot.  I am receptive to a lot.  Yin.

My friend pointed that - and I agree completely - I should also take into account how I have been mostly focusing on myself and my path; and that he wishes he did that more for himself.  Well it's true.  I admit I am not feeling very "available" for intimacy.. there is [still] too much uncertainty.  How can I share these parts of myself with others, intimately speaking (aaarrggh! whatever that means!), when I am working at deconstructing and exploring myself so deeply, while trying not to lose some of the pieces in the process?

Was today a day like any other day?
A hundred emotions.
Just like my mind.
Though my body has limitations.

I hope to touch people.  I hope to make them think too.
I want to see the whole world as holy, healthy... whole.  And I want my energy to be in harmony with that.
Call me a hippy.  I have dozens other parts of me.
At the same time I know the pain isn't going anywhere.  Death and the realities of physicality are all around me.  I hold that.  I breathe through and with it.

Today was a day like any other days.
If you have a hard time following my thoughts well.. welcome to my world! ;)