transcend ants

I'm in tensity
My old thinking is kicking and screaming, in survival mode, gasping for air.  My old thinking is dying.  I have decided to plunge into the unknown.  I am trying to let go.
I am trying to let go of the fears that keep my love from blossoming uninhibited.  I am trying to hear my heart underneath all the commotion in my brains.  I am breathing.
I want to figure it out!  I'd like to understand what is happening in and around me.  I'd like to be able to explain, that even though it might look as if I'm not doing much with my life, I know deep inside of my core that something else is happening.  I am growing.  I am taking time to contemplate this mess, because I hope to love this mess one day.  And that day, I will become invincible.

I am going to visit Quebec next week.  I am going to see my parents.  We will have conversations about life, and about my life.  And I will feel a dozen emotions stir inside of me as I will try to find words to appease their fears, and my own at the same time.  I have been working with this for some time.  They call it individuation.
Will I share with them my most recent feeling and curiosity towards what we call...the "monastic" life? It started as a joke thrown in a room full of friends about three weeks ago: "I just want to become a beer-making nun.. and to clown!"  Now I actually hear myself conversing with former Hare Krishna friends (my roomate and his friend, who I've only met recently. They have obviously left that life).  I hear myself speak of my desire for "sangha".  I realize how I yearn for a social environment that acknowledges spirit.  I also wish for a bit of time and silence to practice meditation and to encounter myself more internally.
Or am I just trying to avoid stepping in "the real world"?
Very likely.
My new former-Hare-Krishna-friend tells me that he left because he found too much hypocrisy in the movement.  Yet that is pretty much exactly what I can't stand on this side of things.
There is no right answer.
My friend talked about the life of renunciation.  He said that a true monk must be able to commit and completely renunciate many things.  I had not thought of it that way.  Dedicating one's self to the subtler realms might signify sacrificing a lot of the material desires (I am reading Ken Wilber at the moment).    But the way I see it, there is learning in renunciation... and perhaps there comes a point where one might renunciate renunciation.  The monastic path is not for everybody.  I honestly do not foresee myself spend  decades as a nun (though a beer-making nun...) but I do dream of an environment where I can focus my spiritual self for a while.

We live in a hall of mirrors.
It's beautiful.

Meanwhile, I did my first official "clown therapy" gig last weekend, and I have taken a butoh and a modern dance class, as well as bought myself a brand new ukulele with a case.  I am told that I seem to be wisely dancing with the challenges of my saturn return.  Natalie said she can't stop thinking about my last performance, and how she feels that she truly sees me now, in all my creativity and power.  Sinem says I am wise to wanna experience everything now rather than have regrets later, as it would seem that it gets harder to break from the stable life once years keep accumulating.  I am very much fascinated with Drag Queens these days.
I am so in the middle.
But I'm not split.
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